As a therapist, I’ve had the privilege of supporting individuals and families through some of life’s most challenging moments. Grief, a universal human experience, often brings people to my office seeking solace and understanding. But what prompted me to write this blog post was not just the clients I’ve helped navigate grief. Over the years, I’ve heard many stories from clients, family, and friends who’ve encountered well-intentioned yet inadvertently hurtful remarks during their own grief journeys. In light of these experiences, I want to share some valuable insights on how to support someone who is grieving.
Before we delve into the dos and don’ts of supporting someone who is grieving, it’s crucial to first acknowledge and normalize the wide range of emotions and thoughts that individuals may experience during their grieving process. Grief is a complex and deeply personal journey, and no two people will navigate it in exactly the same way. Here are some common experiences people may have:
- Intense Sadness: Overwhelming sadness is often the first emotion that comes to mind when we think of grief. It’s normal for grieving individuals to feel deep sorrow and anguish.
- Shock and Disbelief: Grief can begin with a sense of shock or disbelief. The reality of the loss may take time to fully sink in, leaving individuals feeling numb or in a state of disbelief.
- Anger and Frustration: Grief can manifest as anger, whether directed at the situation, the universe, or even the person who passed away. This anger is a natural response to the unfairness and helplessness often associated with loss.
- Guilt and Regret: Grieving individuals may grapple with feelings of guilt or regret, thinking about what they could have done differently or wishing they had said or done more while the person was alive.
- Anxiety and Fear: The uncertainty and change brought on by grief can lead to anxiety and fear about the future. People may worry about how they will cope without their loved one.
- Physical Symptoms: Grief can manifest physically, causing headaches, fatigue, changes in appetite, and even physical pain. These physical symptoms are a testament to the mind-body connection.
- Yearning and Longing: A sense of yearning for the person or thing that is gone is a common experience in grief. Individuals may yearn to hear their loved one’s voice or experience the presence of what they’ve lost.
- Confusion and Forgetfulness: Grief can affect cognitive functioning, leading to moments of confusion, forgetfulness, and difficulty concentrating.
- Social Isolation: Grieving individuals may withdraw from social activities and relationships, feeling that others don’t understand their pain or that they are a burden to others.
Understanding and acknowledging these common experiences can help normalize the often tumultuous emotional landscape of grief. It’s important to remember that there is no “right” way to grieve, and each person’s journey is unique. With this understanding in mind, we can now explore how to provide meaningful support to those who are grieving.
Dos and Don’ts When Supporting Someone Who Is Grieving:
Do:
- Listen Actively: Sometimes, the most comforting thing you can do is simply be there to listen. Allow them to share their thoughts and feelings without judgment or interruption.
- Use Empathetic Phrases: Say things like, “I’m here for you,” “I can’t imagine what you’re going through,” or “Take all the time you need.”
- Offer Practical Help: Grief can be physically and emotionally draining. Offer to run errands, cook meals, or assist with daily chores without waiting for them to ask.
- Respect Their Grieving Process: Everyone grieves differently and at their own pace. Avoid making judgments or comparisons to others’ experiences.
- Share Positive Memories: Encourage reminiscing about the person or thing they’ve lost. Share your own positive memories if you had a connection to the same person or thing.
- Validate Their Feelings: Grief is a rollercoaster of emotions, including anger, guilt, and sadness. Validate their feelings by saying, “It’s okay to feel this way” or “Your feelings are valid.”
- Follow Up: Grief doesn’t have a set expiration date. Continue to check in on your grieving friend or family member weeks and months later when the initial support might have dwindled.
Don’t:
- Minimize Their Pain: Avoid saying phrases like, “I know how you feel,” or “It’s time to move on.” These can be invalidating and dismissive.
- Offer Unsolicited Advice: Refrain from offering solutions or suggesting they should do things differently. Grief isn’t a problem to be solved.
- Use Clichés: Phrases like “It’s God’s plan” or “Everything happens for a reason” may not be well-received, as they oversimplify complex emotions.
- Compare Losses: Never compare their loss to someone else’s. Each grief experience is unique, and making comparisons can trivialize their pain.
- Avoidance: Don’t distance yourself because you fear saying the wrong thing. Silence can be more hurtful than a well-intentioned but imperfect response.
- Rush Their Healing: Grief takes time, and there’s no “right” timeline. Don’t pressure them to “get over it” or “move on.”
- Forget Important Dates: Anniversaries, birthdays, and other significant dates can be especially tough for the grieving person. Show your support by acknowledging these dates.
Supporting someone through grief can be a delicate and profound experience. Your presence, empathy, and understanding can make a world of difference during their healing process. Remember that it’s okay to feel unsure about what to say or do, but by avoiding common pitfalls and following these dos and don’ts, you can offer valuable support to your grieving loved ones and friends. Grief is a journey that is made more bearable when we walk it together with compassion and care.
If you or someone you know is grieving, Cedar Counseling & Wellness would love to offer compassionate support. Get started by calling (443) 924-6344, emailing info@cedarcounselingandwellness.com, or utilizing our online scheduling tool.
