What is the most fundamental component you need to have in place if you want to have good communication in your marriage or relationship?
Certainly, you need some basic communication skills. Yelling and putdowns won’t get you very far. And maybe you’ve heard the good advice about avoiding words like “always” and “never” (as in, “you never take any responsibility!” “You always do that!”) But practical skill isn’t where it all starts; you don’t learn the techniques of a sport, for example, without knowing what the goal of the game is and why!
Is good communication about respect? That is definitely a critical piece of communicating with anybody. But what makes you want to communicate with this person, the one who is supposed to be your life partner? What makes that communication important? Again, what is the goal of the game here?
The Essential Ingredient in Communication
Here’s my answer: the most essential thing you need for healthy, positive communication is empathy. Empathy means that I can feel what you’re feeling. If you’re happy, then I feel happy. If you’re sad, I’m sad with you.
Empathy means that I care.
The goal here is to build a relationship where two people care deeply about each other.
Why is empathy the foundation of communication? Because that’s where the relationship actually lives. Sure, respect is important. Disrespect can do a good bit of damage to a relationship. But respect doesn’t necessarily do the opposite. You can be respectful about what your partner communicates to you, about what they want and what they need; but if you don’t much care about any of that, it’s not much of a marriage, is it?
Likewise with communication skills – all the good stuff like eye contact, active listening, I-statements – they’re only valuable if they’re being used in the context of empathy. How much does it matter to you if your partner can repeat back everything you’ve said to them, but they just don’t care?
What Does Empathy Look Like?
What does empathy look like in action? When you are trying to address a difficult issue with your spouse – a parenting issue, a conflict with a family member, a breach of trust – what do you actually do that indicates you have empathy for your partner?
First of all, you put down your own “stuff” so you can hear theirs. So often we enter into a conversation intending to argue our own point and to be right that we completely fail to listen in a way that tells our partner that what’s going on for them matters to us to.
You know how sometimes you listen to what they’re saying only to be able to offer a sharp rebuttal? That’s not empathy. You didn’t put down your own stuff. You’re still holding it front and center, or else right behind your back, ready to pop back out at a moment’s notice.
If you want to be heard, first you need to listen. When you put down your own stuff, it allows you to pick up theirs. You can both examine it together, be in it together, feel it together – that is empathy.
Preparation is Key!
It helps if you can both agree ahead of time that everyone gets a chance to say their piece before you move on to deciding who is right or what needs to be done. That means that first you have a conversation where you explore the issue from both parties’ perspectives, and only then do you have a conversation where you try to resolve it.
Remind yourselves at the outset what the goal is here: to hear each other, understand each other, and show each other that you care. You can’t solve a problem that you don’t understand. And you can’t connect through the problem if you don’t care.
Whatever the issue at hand is, it won’t be the last one you have to work through in your marriage – guaranteed. So the goal here has to be staying connected as you work through the challenges, not trying to avoid as many as possible. Remember that too when you sit down to talk about one of them.
Empathy for a Great Relationship
The truth is that empathy is not something you turn on or off. It’s not a one-shot deal. Empathy is something you cultivate and practice over the long term. Sometimes you’ll succeed and sometimes you’ll fall short. (I know I do!)
But the bottom line is, if you want awesome communication in your relationship, start by focusing on empathy. That’s where it all begins.
Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C is the director of the Baltimore Therapy Center and the author of The Couples Communication Handbook: The Skills You Never Learned for the Marriage You Always Wanted
